Tag Archives: humour

Da-daa! Winner of the Bradshaw Books Christmas Poem Competition:

SANTA & THE SNOWMAN Beneath a haze of milky ways And through the midnight blue, Where solstice sunrise pewter rays Pierce the wintry hue,   There stands a lonely figure white, Tears run down his cheeks, Trying hard, with all … Continue reading

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A FRUITY FEAST

  I’ve got my crumble baking loot: Purple, ripe and juicy fruit.   Apples blown down from the tree: A yummy steaming pud for tea!   Make the most of autumn fare – Soon the hedgerows will be bare.   … Continue reading

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HAPPY DAZE

(With a little inspiration from Elizabeth Barrett Browning 1806 – 1861) How do i love thee? Let me count the ways: Silver, shimmering seaside days. Summer sunshine happiness In a floaty, cotton dress – Lying on a beach in a … Continue reading

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HOW HOT YOU GOT

Our dearest, darling Emmsy-tot Who was that silly clumsy clot Who spilled the scalding supper pot? Your limbs were burned and got too hot As beastly flames they upped and hopped Upon your lovely legs and bot, Over arms and … Continue reading

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In reply to Spike Milligan’s ‘Granny’

After that wild and windy day, Just as Spike predicted, Gran had been blown clean away, And the parson’s rightly livid.   The cussing vicar’s near to tears As the old dear rattles past: Her petticoat around her ears – … Continue reading

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MY FRIDAY NIGHT

7pm: Although I look old and past it, right, I still look forward to Friday night, and trying to recreate the magic (at my age, some would say it’s tragic) of when a boy would try to kiss me, left … Continue reading

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HE KNEW ME WELL

Half my life ago I met a man who saw into my soul; past the fettered trappings coddled, wealthy wrappings; past my ego and bravado, Balmain suits in avocado, brassy tan and private jet, the spoilt brat, and yet he … Continue reading

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FINAL BLAST

Together we shot the sunset, And bled our future to death, Fiery crimson, molten violet, Exploding in every last breath.

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MAMA’S DREAMLAND

She loves those hills of rolling green, And the barren parched-grey scrub: That rust-red earth makes her dream, Along a simple clichéd theme, Of people dancing hand in hand Across her ancient, sun-drenched land. The golden beaches fringed with palms … Continue reading

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THE DUSTMAN’S FUNERAL

Around the town he’d wheel his pair of bins, That once I heard referred to as his twins. He picked up litter around the ruined fort, And swept the pathways of the coastal walk. Unnoticed by most, he cleaned the … Continue reading

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HAPPY DAFFODIL

Hello, pretty daffodil, Cheerful on my window sill, Regardless of the sleet and rain Whipping past the window pane. Oh, bright & yellow, happy you, I wish I could be like that too.

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DRUG OF CHOICE

As predicted, I’m addicted – So drown me in your milky brown. Little shot of mad obsession I offer up my full confession: Roasted African Arabica, The musky aroma of home, You complete My heart beat, As I sit and … Continue reading

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MADAME MOON

Upon her silver back she lies In shower-bursts of stars, Flung across the pitch black skies Like jewel-encrusted scars.   Steady on her lunar trail Above the earth she clings, Tethered like a fingernail Held by midnight strings.

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WINDY DAY IN THE HARBOUR

Tumbling paper, slick from chips, Scatters across the quay. The twirling tempest twists and whips Up curls of soupy sea   Which bob amid the boisterous boats Tethered to the pier. They pull against their mooring ropes And bucking prows … Continue reading

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EQUINE TAXONOMY

If cows are ‘beef’ And pigs are ‘pork’, What is edible horse? Surely horse can’t just be ‘horse’? They call it ‘beef’, of course.

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SPRING EQUINOX

  For a breath in celestial time There’s perfection in Earth’s symmetry: Harmonious in her parity, Poised in obliquity, Rotating on an even keel And balanced on the level.   In the solar system’s mystic reel She spins with solid … Continue reading

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Happy World Poetry Day

Verse-tly I must apologise For the lack of rhyme & balladry. My mind has been prosaically blank So I haven’t written lately. There’s a couplet of reasons Why I lost my quatrain of thought, That creative efforts came to naught, … Continue reading

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MOVING HOUSE

  IF I were a snail I’d pack my shell With clothes and books And toys as well.   IF I were an elephant I’d pack my trunk With utensils and crockery And wine un-drunk.   IF I were a … Continue reading

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PUSSY RIOT

Dancing girls up rise & shock Chanting anarchistic rock. Miniskirts and balaclava, Anti-government palaver. Why did Putin put the boot in? We thought he was the dancing sort. Pussy Protest came to nought: Prezidentsky Spoil Sport. Protest ‘n’ sing is … Continue reading

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STRIPPED

Has this orange lost its appeal? * * * Oooh, golden sunset-orange hue, Hmmm, I’m going to make a meal of you. Ahhh, when off your clothes I slowly peel.   Huh?     Suddenly naked, you’ve lost your appeal.   Saccharine … Continue reading

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OLD HABITS DIE HARD

  That Celtic Tiger you thought was dead, Replaced by the Rat of Recession instead, Still echoes in the repossessed pads of the glitterati Who’ve tightened their belts, but do SO miss the party.   Judged by mini-breaks and brand … Continue reading

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ONE HAS HAD ENOUGH

People love to take the mickey Of those with privilege and money, But silly pranks turn tricky And then it’s no longer funny. Caught in the midst of a tasteless joke, Piss-taking tragedy of late Means that I’ll no longer … Continue reading

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BBC SPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR

It could be Brad, how bad, Maybe Jess, anyone’s guess.   Or Mo, who’s to know? Chris Hoy, will he be the Boy?   They’d love it to be Andy, Or Boatman Ben – Victory their modus operandi.   The … Continue reading

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ANOTHER CHEESY CHRISTMAS SONG . . . .

  The fir-tree gleams with coloured lights Putting on its Christmas show, Sparkling eyes on snowy nights Underneath the mistletoe.   The fire’s dancing in the grate And we can too, just make it slow, Will you be my Advent … Continue reading

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BOOK THIEF

(to be read in a library whisper)   Through the library he quietly crept, Stealthily past librarians’ looks, Toward the aisles he gingerly stepped, Plunged into rows of regiment books.   Bathed in anxious anticipation, Through the library he quietly … Continue reading

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ADDENDUM

A fellow poet’scone and reminded me, I made an omission, so it would seem, I forgot to mention the delectable Cream Tea. Dollops of jam and lashings of cream, Served in tea shops of the West Country On fine bone … Continue reading

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PRONUNCIATION

Does one say scone, To rhyme with swan? Or scone, To rhyme with bone?   Eaten for breakfast with eggs and ham? Or afternoon tea with butter and jam? With bergamot-y Earl of Grey Or milky Builders’ Tay?   Accentual … Continue reading

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NICOLA’S KNEE

If you knew the story, you wouldn’t laugh, Of poor old Nooks who fell in the bath. Looking forward to a relaxing soak She slipped and, ‘crack’, her knee was broke.   Everyone panicked and called the medics Who rushed … Continue reading

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THE KENYAN OBAMAS CELEBRATE . . .

Granny Sarah is full of delight, Her village is going to party tonight, They’re celebrating victory, A jiwe-ya-maili  in history. “Jambo sana! Barack Obama.”   Sipping several Tusker beers, Whooping, shouting rowdy cheers, Eating nyama choma, And dancing to lingala. … Continue reading

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RECESSIONARY RANT

Savings all gone down the drain Credit card refused again Bailiffs knocking at the door Demand my home and then some more Pension stolen by the bankers Theiving, grabbing lot of wankers.   No money, house or job: no life … Continue reading

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