Poetry, Uncategorized


Excuse us, Mr Grey,

We’d like to have a word.

All this ‘Mummy Porn’ you’ve spawned,

Is really quite absurd.

Fifty Shades of fear –

There’s no need to domineer.


Since when was bruising girls alright?

Bed partners should be equal.

What a load of literary shite:

Won’t bother with the sequel.

Fifty Shades of bin the whips –

There’s other ways to get your kicks.


This craze for sub-dom sex

Is really just insanity.

It makes our bottoms sore,

And causes expletive profanity.

Fifty Shades of erotica –

Leaves us needing arnica.


Despite the cash & private jets,

Egoistic bondage is bestial & mean.

Nipple clamps do nothing for us:

You can keep your sado’ dream.

Fifty Shades of all f***ed up,

We’d make you tear that contract up.


A man that makes us laugh

Is all it takes to get it right.

Loving arms and honest eyes,

Massage oil and candle-light.

Fifty Shades of things to gain

You don’t need that Room of Pain


Upon Egyptian cotton sheets

Take us to orgasmic highs;

We’ll give ourselves up willingly,

No need to chain our thighs.

Fifty shades of decent linen

Brings out our inner sex-kitten.


Don’t mind a bit of kinky stuff,

But nothing too extreme.

Like melted chocolate, silken scarves,

Jacuzzis full of steam.

Fifty shades of woven lies

You don’t need those cable ties.


Poetry & integrity

Are vitues we extol.

A man who makes us feel alive,

Who’s got a lot of soul.

Fifty shades of Self Control,

No need to tie us to that pole.


Iron out your issues

Or go to see a shrink.

Loving shouldn’t hurt,

It’s easier than you think.

Fifty Shades of less is more

SM beatings just make us sore.


Sort out your neuroses,

And put away your toys.

What we need is real men,

Not f***ed up little boys.

Fifty Shades & all the hype,

Christian Grey: You’re not our type.



  1. Loved this poem. A real voice from the real world. Lovely.

    Following your blog now and looking forward to reading more.

    Aloha from one Big Island to another.



  2. Pingback: The Gargie Award « Perplexing Thoughts

  3. Pingback: Gargie Award « newsrealpoetry

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